Seriously........I started well.

Back in January of this year I intended to post every day about every day events. I seem to never follow through with these intentions, even though my brother-in-law thinks I have enough stuff to publish a book. That's debatable. Truly debatable. I tend to crack my sister up.....and she finds me rather amusing. Being able to write things down and have them make sense...well...that's just not one of my talents. This particular blog is for myself. To put things down...to remember how I felt and what I thought. 'Cause sometimes I can't remember exactly where I was on any given day or what was said. I good at that. It is a struggle.

What can one say about the daily struggle that life brings? Even when you find yourself relatively happy and content, there still seems to be the inner struggle against......well.....who really knows why the struggle exists, it just does. It loams large when I am around people. I can't seem to fit anywhere....for any length of time or stick with any job, or friendship that gets too hard. I find too much fault in the world. Too much to have to overlook. Too much to put up with. It's easier not to. Do I suffer because I have very few relationships to speak of (save my husband, children and sister)? You might argue that it's not normal. I might argue that I stay relatively normal because I don't have these relationships to bog me down......steal my energy and turn me negatively in the wrong direction.

I've been contemplating this very things lately. My husband is estranged from almost all of his family because of their cowardice, their stupidity and their idiocy. My sisters were estranged from mother when she died because of her mental illness and her inability to see her own mistakes and rectify them in a proper manner. How long do you strive with someone until you realize that they are never going to get "it"? They are never going to change. People do change....they get worse. Sorry. But it's true. Being estranged is both a blessing and a curse, depending on which of those you choose to embrace. Sadness....because what relationships you thought were there were never REALLY there in the first place. Thinking back to how things always were, you realize, things were never as you thought they were. How one deals with ones own delusions...well....I'm still dealing.

Being fit for human consumption.......relationships.....I'm really not equipped. I see too much, sense too much and can't seem to over look enough. I find much happiness in the solitude I do find. In my studio....by myself.....with inanimate objects.

Random thoughts that creep through my mind............

1. I am a Christian (although I don't like using that word anymore). The connotations are bad. The witness of most of the Christian church...is less than stellar. I prefer to be called a believer in Jesus Christ. Raised a Southern Baptist, it took me years to come out of that cult. YEARS!!!  One of their main beliefs is the Rapture of "the church" before any suffering. Does anyone else see that as pie-in-the-sky (no pun intended here) belief? It is....ya know. Have not attended church, on a regular basis, for over 30 years. That's coming from someone that was at church almost every time the doors were open when I was a child growing up in Colorado. Now.......the thought of going to church on a regular basis gives me nearly a panic attack. I said nearly.......      The religious dialogue on Facebook has truly begun to annoy me. If you slap yourself all over Facebook as being this spiritually savvy person....why don't you just shut up and go away. Go do something meaningful. And no...I will not share your photo...because the Lord loves me whether I do that or not. "Share this if Jesus loves you." ....................really?.............................go away...........now.

2. Why am I drawn to Facebook in the first place? I've pretty much stopped following most people because of the incessant selfie-life style. Here I am at church, here I am getting fried chicken after church....here I am on vacation.....here I am when I get up....(lovely) here's what I had for breakfast....and what I made for winter and I changed my profile picture for the umpteenth time. Is everyone attention starved? yep.....yep....they sure are. And I don't understand the dynamic of: one person can post all the time and it doesn't bother me....and yet.....another can post all them time and want to shoot them? (figuratively speaking of course) Guns are another issue for another day. I will say this about guns......they are just like religion when it comes to discussions. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!  Especially with those people that can say whatever the hell they want to but you can't. Yeah...the world is full of those types. Another reason to avoid them. Another reason to walk away fast.

Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?